We all make mistakes but they aren’t failures
When we make a mistake it is easy to feel like a failure. But mistakes aren’t failures. This was highlighted for me recently. I messed up. I got into a verbal tiff with some lady outside the bank. While her actions and words would have been annoying to anyone, I was really disappointed in myself for losing my temper. At first, the familiar voice of my inner critic rang in, over and over again. “You haven’t changed at all! You’re still a hothead! So much for growth!” Not surprisingly, I was feeling like a complete failure. Thankfully, a session with my coach reframed the situation.
The truth was, while I did say things I wish I hadn’t, it wasn’t nearly as explosive as it would have been in the past. It definitely was a case of “progress, not perfection.” More importantly, she helped me see that my reaction was largely because my emotional reserves were on zero. I had no patience or tolerance to give because I was running on empty. I often find metaphors from nature to be helpful in my self-understanding. In this case, I was like a wilted plant. I hadn’t wilted at that moment when I lacked self-restraint. No, I was wilted because I hadn’t been getting the water and nutrients (aka. self-care and support) that I need to stay healthy.
Mistakes as a warning light
My coach suggested that I look at that poor decision (and negative thoughts in general) as a warning sign. I’ve heard that planes are only “on course” ten percent of the time, the other ninety percent of the time, they are course-correcting. Despite this, the vast majority of the time they get to their destination without incident. It’s helpful to view my mistakes as a sign that I have to course-correct. Excessive anger at other drivers is something I’ve noticed is the first sign I am depleted. On my coach’s suggestion, I have put a small sign in my car that says, “Are you on empty?” Perhaps for you, it would be helpful to have a similar reminder on your fridge, or on your teenager’s bedroom door. The point is that often when we “lose our cool” it is a sign that we need more self-care.
“Raising Good Humans” author Hunter Clark-Fields, uses the metaphor of an orange. When we are squeezed by stress, whether by our children or a lady blocking us in at the bank, what is inside is what will come squirting out. So what are you filled with? The other night I was filled with anxiety, frustration, and exhaustion… not surprising that patience isn’t what came out!
Replenishing your reserves
Imagine you’ve gotten one of these “warning lights”. Then what? Of course, everyone’s needs for self-care are somewhat unique and changing. However, it is helpful to look at three aspects of ourselves: physical, mental/emotional, and social/spiritual.
- Physical self-care: Am I getting enough enough rest? Am I moving enough? Am I eating well and attending to my medical needs?
- Mental/Emotional self-care: Are there emotions I need to feel and express? (The article, “Stop Running from Feelings- Lean In & They Will Pass” might help.) Would meditating help? Would journaling help me sort things out?
- Social/Spritual self-care: Am I spending time with people that make me feel supported? Am I allowing unhealthy relationships to deplete me? Am I spending time in places or doing activities that bring me joy or fill me with awe? When is the last time I laughed?
So when you next make a mistake, remember mistakes aren’t failures, they are an opportunity to correct your self-care course.
