Born to run

How do we stop running from feelings? The urge to run from feelings is natural, they are emotionally uncomfortable and can even be physically painful. If running from uncomfortable feelings were a track event, my speed and stamina would make Olympic athletes jealous. I have learned to suppress this urge somewhat. It has been years since I quit a job unexpectedly or ended a relationship with someone that was clueless the end was near. Even my favorite modes of escape by using substances to numb myself are years in the past.

But that doesn’t mean that the tendency to run from my feelings has disappeared. It hasn’t. It has become less harmful, less disruptive, and less obvious, but it is still there. Simply practicing self-restraint has its benefits (see “Not Reacting Scary and Worth It“), but it has its limits. If we try to ignore or run away from difficult feelings they can still erupt like Mount Kilimanjaro in an apocalyptic movie. For me, the usual result would be the hurt feelings of others and guilt and shame over my actions, or I’d manage to not act on them and suffer from stomach problems and sleeplessness instead.

Stop running and “Lean In”

In an attempt to stop running away from my feelings and being reactive, I’ve been experimenting with mindfulness on a new level. In particular, I’ve been trying the strategy of leaning into my feelings. Sounds crazy right? Wouldn’t that be like throwing gasoline on a fire? That’s what I thought at first, too. Until I learned that leaning into your feelings isn’t ruminating about the situations that “caused” your feelings. (Those are thoughts.) Nor is it trying to analyze why you feel as strongly as you do, or how to change it. (More thoughts.)

Leaning into your feelings suggests that you name what you are feeling and become aware of the physical sensations. For me, anger brings tightness in my stomach, a racing heart, and tingling in my arms and hands. Sadness brings a sinking feeling in my chest, tightness in my throat and sometimes pain in the bones in my forearms. Your sensations will likely be different, and I invite you to notice what they are. Whatever sensations difficult emotions bring, notice them and name them.

Then this is where it gets hard for me. The next step suggested is to stay with the feelings. My internal reaction to this was, “No, I can’t!” But I was motivated to try, since running wasn’t working. It was hard to not move from feeling into storytelling, either about the past or the future. “I shouldn’t have to feel like this! This is going to hurt forever!” my mind clamored. I didn’t try to argue against those thoughts, I turned my attention back to the body. What was it feeling now? And now? Let the sensations evolve… but don’t try to force them to.

The feeling wave passes

To my surprise, the physical sensations grew and then seemed to crest and dissipate. I have to admit when this was promised I was more than skeptical. But it actually worked! If I didn’t conjure the feelings again by recreating the experience in my mind, the unmanageable intensity of the feeling passed with the sensations. And once my heart rate slowed and the physical discomfort was gone, then I could employ my mind to figure out how I might prevent or diffuse the situation the next time.

I’m new to this, and like anything, it will take practice to get consistent at it. However, I am intrigued by the results, and they bring into question those thoughts that scream, “You can’t handle this!” Perhaps it isn’t my feelings that I can’t handle, but the ways in which I’ve tried to avoid them.