Avoiding unhealthy coping mechanisms is something we all struggle with. It is difficult in part because by definition, they are ways of relieving unpleasant emotions. And when we’re stressed, it is easy to reach for the low-hanging fruit. Stretching can feel like too much for us and we need something to help us get through.

Even when we know the old coping mechanism isn’t helpful or is even harmful, it can my like a well worn path. It feels safer than having to trek off into newer territory. I’m going through one of those painful releases. It is painful to not react in the ways I would have in the past.

Without going into detail- the people entrusted with the care of someone I love have failed him miserably. And the result has been horrific. As someone who formerly considered revenge an art form, not reacting has been more than difficult. At moments it has seemed impossible.

Revenge as a Coping Mechanism?

To calmer folks, revenge might not seem like a coping mechanism but for me, it is. I can get so lost in vengeful scheming that all other feelings fade away. And the adrenaline high I used to get from executing my revenge plots was nothing short of orgasmic. I have worked hard on self-restraint and on smaller matters it has become pretty easy to practice acceptance and forgiveness. But this is no small matter; it has been far from easy.

I know that the strategies of retaliation that I used to think protected my family don’t actually protect them. What is done is done and no amount of revenge will undo them. Plus they come at a high price. Aside from possible external consequences, they rob me of my peace of mind. They leave me feeling guilty, even if, in the moment I’m able to justify my wrath. They consume energy that I don’t have to spare. Still, it sometimes feels like not responding the way I always have is a bit like fighting gravity. For me, I can’t do it on my own.

Strategies for Avoiding Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Keep In Mind the Risk and the Reward

This has been crucial for me in the last few weeks. I have often had to remind myself that no one will benefit from me acting on my desire for revenge. It will not make my loved one better. It will not make his illness less painful for scary for me, or for my other family members. To act vengefully would only add to the stress for everyone. And the reward of not acting, and not obsessing on revenge is that I can be of maximum service to my family.

Don’t Keep Your Feelings to Yourself

If I stay alone with my thoughts and feelings I will justify my unhealthy coping mechanisms in no time. “I can’t stand feeling this way,” will quickly become “I have to act on my feelings.” And trying to deny my feelings almost always results in a blowup sooner or later.

One way to release your feelings is to journal, use some other creative outlet, or pray. Sometimes something physical like screaming or pounding a pillow can help, too. But at some point, you probably want to share your feelings with another person. They can provide support and perspective that is sometimes difficult to give ourselves.

Be Careful Who You Surround Yourself With

To be successful at avoiding unhealthy coping mechanisms, be thoughtful of who you turn to for support. I used to surround myself with people who would had the same tendencies as me. People who would encourage me to use those unhealthy coping mechanisms. To find lasting change, I need to surround myself with people who will be empathetic with my feelings but will support my new way of responding to them.

I’ll admit, this can sometimes feel frustrating. Sometimes I want to yell, “You don’t understand!” But they do understand. My friends aren’t saying I don’t have a right to my feelings. They are just not willing to co-sign my BS story of “I feel this way, so this is the way I should react.” I am careful to steer clear of people who will help me justify the coping mechanisms I’m trying to avoid. And when I’m feeling particularly tempted I have people to call who will walk me back from the ledge instead of encouraging me to jump.

Avoid Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms by Filling the Void

Often, trying not to do something we’ve always done can be bit like trying not to think of a pink elephant. Our mind simply removes the “not” part. So instead, try to fill that space we a new, healthier action. My friend suggested that whenever the anger wells up regarding my loved one’s situation I say to myself that I forgive the people responsible. But, to be honest I’m not there, yet. So I’ve been saying a prayer asking for the willingness to forgive them.

The new behavior doesn’t have to be spiritual in nature. If you’re trying to quit smoking, then try doing a quick guided meditation during your “smoke break”. If you’re trying to avoid staying up all night binge- watching TV, try having a cup of herbal tea, or giving yourself a neck rub before bed. The idea is to have something to fill the void.