A familiar situation invites old behaviors

Developing healthier relationships requires practice. Especially during times of stress, avoiding habitual reactions can feel like trying to stop Niagara from falling. I am going through a very difficult time. A dear friend is experiencing health problems and is not willing to get the care I think she needs. This causes a barrage of feelings: sadness, frustration, and most of all, fear for her wellbeing. I have been here before with other people I love and in the past, I have always jumped in and tried to rescue my loved ones. Avoiding habitual reactions to this situation is proving to be challenging.

My mind keeps nagging me with old tapes. My heart is trying hard to avoid another painful loss. Even my body is revolting with bouts of nausea and sleeplessness. Yet, my spirit is quietly whispering, “It’s time to try something else.”

The pull of habitual responses blocks healthier relationships

Despite my best intentions and sometimes extreme attempts to save people I love from themselves, I have to admit, that I have never succeeded. In fact, many times I have nearly drowned trying. I have suffered emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. It hasn’t helped my relationships, either. Despite my being motivated by love and concern, no one likes being told what they have to do. They don’t like being forced or manipulated either.

Yet, resisting resorting to a “whatever it takes” mentality feels nearly impossible. A barrage of thoughts batters me. “If you don’t do something, it will be your fault if something happens to her.” “A real friend wouldn’t let her do this to herself.” “You have to do something!” I have woken up at night and considered driving to her house just to make sure she is safe in bed and breathing. I tried to find someone, anyone that had the power to rescue her against her will. I even considered contacting a toxic ex-boyfriend who knows her and lives nearby to ask him to help to monitor that she is safe or convince her to get care. That was when I knew I was in dangerous waters.

New responses feel uncomfortable

In a very real way, it feels like I am standing by and watching her drown. Grief over similar situations comes in waves that feel overwhelming, at times. Still, I have to admit, rescuing has never worked. I have to remind myself of that often. Experts say it is dangerous for an untrained person to try to rescue a drowning person. Often it results in both the victim and the rescuer drowning. In my experience, this applies to figurative drownings as well.

As difficult as it is, I need to offer myself some of the care that I have been offering to her. If I am able to resist my default reaction, I leave space for another answer. The guidance I receive may change from moment to moment. It is likely that it won’t be the answer I want. I may have to accept results I don’t want. It is so difficult to make space for another behavior! Yet, I am finding that moment by moment, if I can pause and avoid responding in habitual ways, I am being led to the right action at the right time.

Strategies for healthier relationships:

• Ask “What do I need to do to take care of myself right now?” For example, while I am very concerned with whether or not my friend is eating, I found I was skipping meals. One way I check in with myself is by looking at whether I am getting the fuel and rest I need physically, emotionally, and mentally/socially. For more ideas on discerning and valuing your need see Valuing Your Needs.
• Am I being overly dominant or dependent? In my situation, I had to admit that I was trying to force my friend to do what I thought was right for her. She has a right to choose that for herself, even if I disagree with her choice. I need to remind myself of this often.
• Am I setting healthy boundaries? While my friend has a right to choose for herself, I have a right, and a responsibility to do the same. What am I willing to do and give that is completely free of strings and expectations? What lies beyond that line? I need to remind myself that I don’t need to give beyond what I am capable of in order to be a good friend.
• Can I pause? If I am in a frenzy of action there is a good chance I am in a habitual pattern. There is a sense of “I need to do this and I need to do it now!” That is a sign that I need to pause. Perhaps take a few breaths or say a prayer, then see how I should proceed.
• Take care of my emotions. As I mentioned, this situation brings back memories of similar situations about which I have unresolved grief, regret, and frustration. It will help me to separate the past from the present if I take the time to process those old feelings.

A closing case for avoiding habitual reactions

Developing healthier relationships is difficult. It is difficult, but worth it. If we are able to pause, to ask the right questions and to practice self-care, we will find that it is possible. And the space created by refraining from doing what we’ve always done will provide the opportunity for a new perspective or a new guidance to come. As the saying goes, “If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always gotten.” So if that isn’t what you want, maybe it is time to give something new a chance.