It can be extremely difficult to forgive yourself for being a victim of abuse. Self-forgiveness is necessary for healing. Developing empathy for becoming a victim, staying for as long as you did, and the ways you coped with the abuse will help you to heal and regain self-trust.
As author Dr. Brene Brown points out, “If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.” It has taken me many years to develop that empathy for myself. I judged myself so harshly! And even though I have largely forgiven myself the silence and secrecy have continued…. until now.
The Shame of Abuse
Even if we know we didn’t deserve the abuse, there is still so much shame associated with being a victim of abuse, especially as an adult. This shame comes both from ourselves and others. I was twenty-one when my boyfriend first physically abused me. Of course, he said it was my fault at the time. And even though I hadn’t even done what he had used as an excuse for his behavior, I felt responsible. I thought, “I could have made sure he didn’t get jealous. Maybe I should have left earlier when we had argued. I could have somehow prevented this.” Maybe if I was psychic and knew he was going to turn violent I could have, but I didn’t have a crystal ball. I always cringe when women say they would never allow a man to hit them. Do they think that there is a memo sent beforehand?
I remember laying in bed early the next morning, considering whether I would tell anyone. My mother’s words, which I’d heard several times over the years, rang through my head. “No man has ever hit me because they know they’d have to sleep sometime.” The obvious suggestion is that they wouldn’t wake up. I knew somewhere, my boyfriend was waking up. The shame of that sat in my chest like a boulder. I said nothing to anyone. It would be a year and a half before I told anyone about that night.
The shame grew exponentially with every violent incident that occurred. I hated myself for not having left after the incident before. Of course, this self-hatred just made to more susceptible to his tearful apologies. The violence was sporadic and sometimes I would break up with him for months at a time. Then, he would show up at my door saying he would, or had started counseling, or stopped drinking, or just realized he needed to change. I would give him one more last chance. As is common, there were other forms of abuse that went along with it: sexual, verbal, emotional.
The Night I Knew I Had to Leave
The pattern continued, until one night I snapped. I came close to making sure it would be the last time. I almost did make sure he wouldn’t wake up again. The prospect of spending the rest of my life in jail for murder was, for some reason, more frightening than the possibility of him killing me. Maybe because I didn’t believe he’d kill me. But when I thought, “The next time will be the last,” I knew I meant it. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship.
It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone is in a position to leave their abusive relationship. The news has demonstrated this time and time again. Nicole Simpson is just one well-known example that there is no such thing as “just” leaving. But, in my situation there came a time when I believed that staying was more dangerous than leaving.
Leaving was Just the Beginning
I knew that leaving him would be hard. I had invested five years and endured so much pain and humiliation in the hopes that it would eventually work out. Also, I knew that while he didn’t put any effort into our relationship when we were together, he wouldn’t let me leave easily either. And I was right. I moved three days after I ended it, but he knew other places to find me. It took three months of him stalking me to get a restraining order. Thankfully, he did stop stalking me then, at least until the restraining order ended.
Now free from his presence, I was left with the specter of the abuse. Not only the flashbacks, nightmares, and fear, but the self-hatred. Each flashback, as horrible as they were, paled in comparison to the battering I gave myself for taking him back so many times. No one who knows me would ever think I would have. I was bewildered at myself.
How to Forgive Yourself for Being a Victim of Abuse
It is now almost twenty years since then. And it has been a long, slow road back to self-love and self-trust. There have been a series of realizations that have come through the years. While every situation is different, I hope that these will help someone. If you are struggling to forgive yourself for being a victim of abuse consider:
Forgive yourself for becoming a victim of abuse
Were you in a vulnerable state to begin with?
When I met my abuser, I was seventeen. Recently out of high school I was unsure of who I was. The night we met he told me, “If you were ten years older, I’d marry you.” It was just about the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. No one in my high school had even wanted to date me. (And I overlooked the “if” part of his statement.) Abusers often seek out victims who are inherently strong people but are vulnerable at the moment.
Did he have “abuser” written on his forehead?
Obviously, not. Yes, in hindsight there may have been warning signs that I’d see now, knowing what I know. But you probably thought he was a nice guy in the beginning. I certainly did. And I wasn’t the only one he succeeded in fooling either. I remember a mutual friend saying she was glad I found a nice guy when I started dating him. Even my parents were willing to overlook a big age difference because his act was so good. A therapist I know, who specializes in trauma and domestic violence readily admits that even all of her education and training doesn’t guarantee that she will never be a victim of domestic abuse. Forgive yourself for not seeing him for what he was, lies and manipulation are part of the abusers toolbox.
Did your abuser groom you to become a victim of abuse?
I know mine did. The physical abuse didn’t start until about three and a half years into our relationship. And, for most of that time, he was undermining my self-worth, confidence, and trust in my perception of reality. He had also been isolating me from anyone in my life that might raise a red flag or contradict his opinion of me. He had also convinced me to abandon many of my goals and plans. It progressed subtly, almost imperceptibly.
Forgive yourself for not leaving sooner
Did you receive shame-inducing messages about abuse?
My mother’s assertion that any man that hit her wouldn’t survive the night (which she of course had no way of knowing would have the effect it did) had put me in a shame hole. Our society is full of messages that produce similar feelings. “How could she get involved with someone like that?” “How could she allow him to treat her that way?” “Why doesn’t she just leave?” There are many others.
Were you afraid to leave?
I know I was. While the relationship had become unbearable, at least I felt like I had some measure of control while I was in it. I could try to make him happy. At the very least, I would usually (but not always) have some warning before he hurt me. I had some idea of his whereabouts instead of wondering if he was parked down the street from my house or hiding in the bushes waiting for me.
Abusive relationships often have an addictive quality.
Abusive relationships are often an emotional rollercoaster. While the lows are atrocious, the highs are often heavenly. It is easy to buy into the lie that we could maintain the highs if we just figured out to make him happy or secure. For me, this addictive quality increased as I gave up more relationships, interests, and goals in an effort to make the relationship work. Towards the end, I felt like he was the only thing I had.
Forgive yourself for how you coped
Forgive yourself for how you coped with the abuse?
If you’re like me, you need to forgive yourself for more than being a victim of abuse. You may need to forgive yourself for some of the ways you coped with the abuse and its aftermath. Substance use was one of the ways I tried to make an unbearable situation bearable. While abuse didn’t cause my addiction, my desire to numb my feelings and disconnect from reality definitely fueled substance use and abuse. There were also times that I wasn’t there for family and friends, or missed important events because of the abuse.
Forgive yourself for how you healed?
I also needed to forgive myself for my behavior in relationships that followed the abuse. For the majority of the decade that followed, I avoided emotional attachment altogether, opting instead for casual sexual relationships that were less frightening. In the relationships where I did have emotional intimacy, I was often hypersensitive, hypervigilant, and insecure. Or, I guarded my independence to the point of being inconsiderate. While they aren’t behaviors I’m proud of I think of how I would react if a close friend had gone through the same things and behaved that way. I would have empathy, understanding that she was just trying to protect herself from being hurt again.
Have you grown because of the experience?
Of course, I wouldn’t have chosen to learn the lessons I learned as a result of being abused. But, I have benefited from them. The most glaring example occurred several years ago when another relationship began to shift. The first sign that occurred came before I would have come close to calling it abusive. After 3 years during which I had never come close to calling this new man the wrong name, I started to almost call him by the previous boyfriend’s name. Over the next few years, his behavior became more reminiscent of my ex’s. Because of the lessons learned, I left before things became physical. This spared me and my son untold trauma.
Be Patient and Appreciate Progress
To forgive yourself for being a victim of abuse will require patience and persistence. Even after many years, and much healing, I occasionally find myself criticizing myself for the abuse. Perhaps, I will always have moments like that, but they are much rarer than they used to be. Most times I can look back at myself then and truly say, “I understand. I am so sorry you went through that.”
