Giving value to your needs isn’t easy for many of us. And more than any other time of year, it is tempting during the holidays to overlook our needs as we strive to do for everyone else. You may think placing a lower value on your needs is the right thing to do… it seems like it might be. And maybe for a day or two, it might be. But, let’s face it, the holidays are more like a marathon than a sprint. If you don’t value your needs and get some of them met you might be feeling more like a grinch than Saint Nick by the end.

Why Valuing Your Needs is Important

The first reason that your needs matter is because you matter! We all want to make the holidays, and every other day, as enjoyable as possible for those we love. Can you show that same love for yourself? I hope that you can, or are willing to try to. You deserve to be healthy and happy and enjoy life as much as anyone else.

There is another reason that your needs matter. If your needs aren’t met (at least relatively well) it is likely you won’t be able to be there for your loved ones the way you want to be. Whether you neglect yourself physically and wind up ill or exhausted, or neglect yourself emotionally and wind up feeling emotionally distant or short-tempered, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Sometimes, even often, we need to attend to our own needs so that we are capable of being who we want to be in our relationships with others.

As in many things, the first step to learning to value your needs is awareness. Often pain is the first sign of an unmet need. Perhaps you are feeling painful emotions like anger, sadness, or overwhelm. Or maybe you are feeling physical pain or exhaustion. Or perhaps you are feeling completely numb. These are all signs that you have unmet needs surfacing. They may be pointing at a need for processing of emotions, support, rest, or inspiration. Often asking, “How do I want to feel?” helps to move me beyond a surface want to the deeper needs. It helps “I need chocolate” become “I need appreciation,”

How to Value Your Needs

Ask yourself “What would be comforting at this moment?” It is important to note the difference between comfort and numbing. As Brene Brown points out, “Comfort leaves you feeling replenished, numbing leaves you feeling guilty.” Sometimes, getting a dreaded task done can be quite comforting. I invite you to set aside your snap judgments as you ask yourself this. I find that I often have a thought of what would be comforting, and before I even complete the thought it is followed by, “That’s a dumb idea,” or “I can’t do that.” Comfort isn’t about what sounds logical, or easy. It is about what feels good. If I am able to set aside my first reactions and think about “How can I do that?” I often find a way. And if I am willing to try something that sounds silly, it often gives me exactly what I need.

Clues to Unmet Needs

Another way to become more aware of your needs is to observe your internal (or voiced) criticisms of others. Thoughts like, “He never helps,” are a signal that we have an unmet need and may want to ask for what we need directly. “I could really use your help” will get a much better response than “You never help me!” You may find that asking for what you need gets much better results than you expect. This is another way in which our mind often tells us not to try, or that our needs aren’t important. If it is important enough to make you angry, chances are it is important. Of course, others will not always meet our needs even when we ask. Then we have to consider if we can get our needs met elsewhere, or if we need to accept that we cannot get that need met at this moment.

Similarly, envy can sometimes point to ways we are dismissing our needs. A snarky, “It must be nice to be her, and get a massage and pedicure every week,” might be a sign that we need to do something relaxing for ourselves. We often criticize others for doing what we wish we could or have told ourselves that we can’t. Again, this is a great place for non-judgemental curiosity. “What if I did splurge and get a massage?” If we can’t get a massage or a pedicure, a hot bath may meet the need.

Taking Ownership

No one else knows your needs as well as you do. And while there are some needs that we can not meet alone, we still bear the ultimate responsibility for getting them met. We start to do that by becoming aware of what we need. Then we can often meet them ourselves, or ask others for what we need directly. We can learn who is capable of meeting certain needs and stop expecting those who aren’t capable of doing so. By placing value on our needs we are less likely to feel drained or resentful, and more likely to be present and pleasant in our relationships.

See my other articles on self-care.