Moving from extreme reactions to balance often requires a look at our past. When strong reactions threaten to overtake us it is often easy to justify our feelings. The circumstances that trigger our reactions may be very upsetting. Our reactions may, in fact, be quite understandable. But being able to justify our destructive reactions doesn’t make them manageable. It doesn’t mean our thoughts and behaviors can’t take us down a rabbit hole of instinctual, unhealthy behaviors fueled by past trauma or hurt.
Thrown off balance
A recent situation really threw me off balance! I was overtaken by a level of rage that rarely surfaces for me anymore. I found myself obsessing about revenge and crying several times a day. While the situation would have been upsetting for anyone I sensed that my reaction was extreme. A slogan often said by a friend, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical,” rang in my head and heart.
A part of me resisted looking at what was going on within me. It insisted, “No, this about now! They did wrong and deserve to pay!” That too was a warning sign. That kind of resistance to taking a deeper look usually denotes that there is something that I don’t want to look at. And usually, it involves an old and deep pain that is asking to be healed. Yet, I would often rather keep it buried. “I’ve revisited that all already,” I cry, forgetting that each time I’ve revisited it, it has healed a little more.
A shift in perspective to shift from extreme reactions to balance
After several days of retelling the current situation and my anger about it, I became willing to look at why it was triggering such strong, scary emotions. Once I was willing, the reasons surfaced quickly. I realized that the situation, which involved a girl being harassed, reminded me of an abusive incident that happened to me over 20 years earlier. The feelings of loneliness, not feeling protected, and shame sat like a burning rock in the pit of my stomach. While I knew I wanted to be rid of it, I knew I wasn’t ready to be, yet.
I had to really look at it closely. I felt its jagged edges and acknowledged the way it still burned within me. Seeing from all angles I saw how it shaped me to this day. It kept me silent when I didn’t want to be. I realized that my memory of the original incident was somewhat distorted. I saw I had been perpetuating the same treatment of myself that the abuser had dealt out. Then, with support, I was able to big to chip away at it, realizing that while it was horrible, I had survived it. While I hadn’t been able to defend myself as I would have liked to, I did my best and prevented it from being worse than it was.
Most importantly, I was able to have compassion for my younger self and appreciate how I had grown and changed since then. I had allowed my boundaries to be repeatedly crossed, but I had since learned not to accept that anymore. By developing and trusting my intuition, I was able to spot abusive people before I became a victim. I had surrounded myself with people I could depend on to be supportive as I worked through things. People who I could trust. Yes, there had been a time that I had been utterly alone, and largely powerless, but I wasn’t anymore.
A Harvest of Balance
Taking a look at the true source of my strong reaction lessened the desire to strike out against the teens that reminded me of my abuser. I was still angry at their behavior, but I felt in control of myself again. I was able to start fantasizing about justice rather than revenge. And the tears began to wane. I emerged feeling more balanced and healed than before the incident. That is the gift of adversity. Often when things happen that rock us, it is because there is an opportunity for healing.
