Not reacting is hard. We’ve all heard the say saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears”. Sometimes it isn’t just one teacher, sometimes the teacher seems to be everywhere. For me, the message that has been everywhere lately is “React differently” or more precisely, “Don’t react”. The message has come from my daily meditation books, the advice of friends, and bumper stickers on the road.

Not reacting is simple but not easy

Not reacting sounds simple, but it is easier said than done. Especially for this fiery red-head that had once worn her temper as a badge of honor and considered revenge an art form. First, experimenting means being open-minded to another way of being. Whether it is a different way of thinking or acting, this often means trying on new beliefs or at least considering that the ones we’ve held may not be true. This is anything but easy! We become so attached to long-held beliefs that we’ll often hold onto them despite every evidence that they aren’t serving us. This was definitely the case for me. Letting go of an old belief is disorientating. We can feel like the rug is being pulled out from beneath us.  It can seem overwhelming; therefore, try to deal with one change at a time.

Then, we need to summon the courage to try something new. I find this very difficult. My thinking can be so all-or-nothing that I often create possibly catastrophic consequences to every change. It sounds silly, but my mind can make any change sound dire. For example, “You can’t let that guy cut you off and get away with it. If you let people step on you without consequence everyone will do it!” In a moment of calm, it sounds crazy, but in the moment, adrenaline rushing, I can believe it. This thinking can be even more extreme with people I am likely to have to encounter again.

Different reactions, same trap

Perhaps you don’t react with anger, your habitual reaction might be “If I say what I feel and want, no one will like me.” Or maybe you think “If I let people get to know me, they will leave.” There are many ways we convince ourselves that we must stay in old patterns to stay safe. Spoiler alert, that kind of safety is a lie. When our safety lies in thinking we can control others, whether our loved ones or strangers, it isn’t real. I’ve learned that true safety is knowing that if we take care of ourselves, and our side of the street, everything else will unfold as it should. We feel like if we don’t hold everything together it will all fall apart. The illusion that we control our little world is comforting.  We cling to that comfort even though it keeps us from growing and experiencing peace and freedom.

In the past several months I’ve been given plenty of opportunities to try on new ways of being. Faced with a situation that, in the past, would have sent me into an extended rage. I knew that I couldn’t react as I always had; my peace, well-being, and ability to be a good parent were at stake. With every new development, there was a temptation to react out of anger. Sometimes the temptation was mild and easily dismissed. Other times the temptation was like a tornado, and I had to take shelter for a while before deciding how to respond. Once, I even gave in to it, posting a scathing Facebook post, only to delete it moments later.

Strategies for not reacting

Talk it over

One thing that helped me greatly was making an agreement with a friend that I would not act on anything regarding this situation without speaking with her first.  It forced me to get input from someone whose advice I trust. In moments of stress, my normal tendency to check my perspective with others tends to go out the window. In the heat of the moment, I think, “I know what I need to do.” That is almost a sure sign that I’m about to do the wrong thing. When I don’t want to tell anyone what I’m planning to do or say is when I really need to.

Take a time-out

My friend, being the wise soul that she is, she would almost invariably remind me that I didn’t have to respond that day. She would convince me to give it time to settle. With a little time, the wrong that I felt I couldn’t let go unpunished, the text I was sure I couldn’t ignore, became less important. I decided, more often than not, the best response was none at all. Depending on the pattern you are trying to change, this strategy may take different forms. Maybe you will respond to invitations or requests with, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” Or, when someone asks your opinion, you will say, “Let me think it over and I’ll let you know.” The point is to give yourself the time and space by not reacting out of habit to respond the way you really want to.

Shift your perspective

Another practice that helped me shift has been gratitude. Sometimes my gratitude is twinged with judgment. “I’m glad I don’t act like they do!” But, more often I have been genuinely grateful that my peace and serenity are no longer at another’s whim. Now that is real safety! They are still who they are, and act in ways I disagree with. But, knowing that I am acting authentically and sanely has made even the most chaotic moments feel less tumultuous. My new way of responding (or not reacting), is getting easier the more I practice it. That isn’t to say that it has become my default way of being, yet. I may even backslide, but now that I have seen how much more serene I feel, and how much better I feel about myself, I doubt any backslide will last long.

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