In the last several months my world has been rocked to the core. With the tragic loss of my fiance’s seventeen-year-old son, Patrick, my resiliency and faith have been tested in a way that I never expected they would be. This would be the litmus test- would I find acceptance in this most difficult time.

I’ll be the first to admit, there have been moments where it has been difficult to walk my talk. Acceptance and optimism have, at times, been nearly impossible to muster. How could things ever be ok with Patrick gone? Maybe it’s time to change my definition of acceptance. I’m not condoning the way things are by accepting them. Indeed, I still think Patrick’s death was unjust and would give anything to have things be different. Perhaps, though, I can begin by accepting that I can not bring him back, no matter how much I refuse to accept his loss. Maybe the first step in acceptance is accepting that I don’t accept his loss… yet. By merely accepting my feelings of sadness and anger I have made a leap forward towards acceptance.

Even in the midst of our intense grief, there have been moments of profound beauty. Patrick’s essence was demonstrated in his final act of donating his organs, saving several lives. Watching my fiance carry on while still having the vulnerability to feel his pain has been an honor beyond description. And we have been showered by an outpouring of love from our friends and community that has been truly heartwarming.

In tiny ways, joy has begun to find it’s way back into our lives, even as we mourn. At times, the joy has taken work to accept too. I need to remind myself it’s ok to feel joy, that Patrick would want that. In short, accepting the unacceptable is much like accepting anything else. It’s accepting the good and the bad… and finding the beauty in both.