What is the difference between Self-Value vs. Self-Esteem? Self-esteem gets a lot of attention. It’s touted to increase physical and emotional well-being, but could it be the wrong aim? Maybe. Self-esteem generally involves what we think of ourselves in comparison to others. Therein lies its weakness. Self-esteem can also have a dark side. Those with high self-esteem are prone to a sense of entitlement, narcissism and can react violently when they feel they have been mistreated.
Self-value is a related concept. Self-value is more about how you act toward what you value, including yourself than how you feel about yourself compared to others. In contrast to high self-esteem, with its tendency toward entitlement, people with high self-value necessarily value others. As Steven Stosny, Ph.D. says, “When we devalue someone else, we devalue ourselves—our sense of well-being deteriorates, we violate our basic humanity to some degree, and become more narrow and rigid in perspective, all of which impair growth and development.”
Self-value has another advantage over self-esteem in that it is more behavioral than emotional. Therefore it necessarily includes self-care. To value something goes beyond regarding it as important; it expresses a willingness to invest time, energy, effort, and sacrifice in its nurturing or maintenance. People with high self-value appreciate their own better qualities (even while trying to improve their lesser ones) and take care of their physical and psychological health, growth, and development.
So how does one develop their self-value?
Honor Your Values. The most potent contributor to consistent emotional well-being is fidelity to your deepest values. When we are true to our deepest values—whatever they are—we feel more genuine. Conversely, when we violate those values, we experience guilt, shame, and anxiety. These are not punishments, but reminders to be authentic. When you have created a set of values and more or less kept true to them your life feels genuine, with sustained interest, purpose, conviction, and compassion.
Practice Self-Care. Commit to your physical health. Pursue a health regimen vigorously. The very practice of placing value on your health will increase your physical and emotional well-being, as well as strengthen your ability to exert effort and make sacrifices for the things you value.
Change Your Perception. Many of us have trained ourselves to continually survey the environment for possible threats. This causes us inadvertently to look for things that will make them feel down, resentful, anxious, or angry. Challenge yourself to do the opposite. Look instead for things to appreciate, enjoy, or be interested in. There is a Celtic practice I find helpful in this called “love-talking”. In this meditative practice you make up impromptu poetry by finding things of beauty as you walk. “Beautiful is the , Beautiful too is the __”. For example, “Beautiful is the auburn sunset, Beautiful too are the swaying trees.”
Act on what’s most important. Much of our suffering occurs when we violate what is most important to us by acting on what is less important. Think of the big mistakes you’ve made in life: Nearly every one probably involves devaluing someone or something important to you by acting on something that was not as important. One way to help ourselves act on what’s important is too ask, “Who do I want to be?” rather than “What do I want to do?” This helps us focus on our actions and our values.
Value when feeling devalued. When we feel devalued, we feel we must do something that will make us feel more valuable. The easiest way to feel valuable is to be compassionate, kind, or loving, in other words, value another. This is a simple but transformative skill, which anyone can acquire. When you feel helpless, do something that will make you feel more valuable (e.g., compassionate, kind, or loving). Often in as little as 20 minutes your self-value will be higher than before the situation occurred.
Self-Value and self-esteem have subtle differences that are important and focusing on self-value may have the same benefits as self-esteem without the drawbacks.
