Forgiveness is touted as a worthy path by mainstream psychology and spiritual figures alike. Poets and physicians alike declare the benefits to the mind, body, and soul, but just how does one forgive?

Recognize the value of forgiveness

First, in case there is any doubt, the value of forgiveness cannot be overstated. Countless studies show stress and anger can cause or worsen diseases, such as cancer, heart disease, and various autoimmune disorders. Unresolved anger or guilt also affects our mood and our ability to make good decisions.

Understand that forgiveness is a statement of self-esteem

To forgive is not to excuse the offensive actions, rather, to forgive is to declare your worth as greater than the wrong done. It is to acknowledge that feelings, no matter how intense are in the end fleeting. It is to recognize that below the injury we are still whole and good. I often find writing about how I have grown from the situation. How did it make me stronger, more compassionate, or more autonomous? How did it help recognize the good in myself or others that I might have otherwise missed?

Develop compassion and don’t take it personally

Develop compassion by remembering that we are all human. Most people do the best they can at that moment, even though they may fall short at times. And usually, it is hurt people who hurt people. Also, when we hurt others it is rarely about them, it is about us. The same is true of others. Do not let the actions of others define your self-worth.

Take responsibility for yourself

Take responsibility for your choices then and now. What part did you play in creating, perpetuating or escalating the situation? Are there actions you took that you regret? Are you replaying the situation in your head? Do you need to make amends? Will holding onto anger and hurt help you make better decisions in the future?

Give forgiveness to yourself

If self-forgiveness is a piece of the situation remember that forgiving yourself does not mean forgetting the lessons learned. It only means letting go of the need to berate yourself and undervalue your worth.

Symbolically let go

Perform a ritual to symbolize your forgiveness. Perhaps a fire-ceremony where you burn a letter to the person you want to forgive, or a cord-cutting meditation. As you watch the smoke rise, or the cord cut think about the fact that you are not that hurt and that anger. It is fleeting, just like everything else. As the smoke carrying your hurt and disappointment disappears into the air, you can let it go, and your true essence remains.

Move forward

Bring your focus back to the present. What are the ongoing problems that need to be discussed? What boundaries you need to set or adjust? What else needs to shift before you can forgive? What beliefs did you form as a result of this situation that need to be reconsidered?

Forgiveness is not only the ultimate act love for others, but is the ultimate act of self-love. It allows us to view the past in a different perspective, to live fully in the present without reliving the pain of the past. Though we do not forget the past, it ceases to have to ability to hold our future hostage. We can learn to trust others and ourselves again.