Lately, I’ve been stuck in a rut of wanting to make certain changes in my life and falling short of doing so. Each time I fall short I’m deluged by guilt and shame, which leaves me even less power succeed. That’s the paradox of self-esteem. You need to do esteemable things to experience lasting self-love, yet self-love is a pre-requisite for being able to act esteemable. It’s the proverbial chicken and the egg.

What is the solution? Prevailing American culture expects those who have fallen off the path to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, abandon their crutches, and change. All the while despising themselves until they prove to themselves or others that they are worthy.

I need to remind myself that this has NEVER worked for me, and take the only other available action- love myself unconditionally. Yes, metaphorical warts and all. This is simple but difficult. We always tend to postpone self-love. “I’ll feel good about myself  when I…” In postponing self-love we secure ourselves to our faults.

But how exactly how do we love ourselves when we have real or perceived fatal flaws. First, let’s discuss what self-love is and is not. It is not a narcissistic aura of “I can do no wrong”, it is more like “I may fall down, but get back up.”

One of my favorite definitions of self-love comes from the Dalai Lama. He describes it as the desire for happiness for oneself. Regardless of your faults you still want happiness, right?

Then I ask you to commit to self-love. I know it feels like a leap into the darkness to love ourselves flaws and all. Won’t our weaknesses fester and thrive? No, for if we are honest with ourselves, they do not produce true happiness. Pleasure? Perhaps. Relief from unpleasant feelings? Probably, but not genuine happiness. Striving for true happiness will allow us to experience self-esteem, or feeling worthy of our own admiration.

So I invite you to take the advice of Tama Kieves in “Inspired & Unstoppable”. Ask yourself “What do I have the energy to do?” Then, and this is the most important part, do it. Don’t think about doing it, or try to predict if it will really help. Just do it. Even if you feel like it isn’t going to be enough. Even if you’re sure it won’t be. One small step may be all you need to begin an uplifting spiral of positive energy.